Sunday, April 13, 2008

Turning 30!

Obviously I don't work on this blog AT ALL! Don't make the time nor have the time! How do you mom's do it?

Well, it's no different day...I am just older. I was hoping that my birthday present would be that I was pregnant.
However, the Lord has chosen to say, "no' or "wait" for the last four costly cycles of injections that we have done. Two cycles ago I did get pregnant but than I miscarried because my levels were so low.
I know God is good and He does not sleep. He is "El Roi" the God who sees. He knows my heart and my longings. He has given me a godly, wonderful husband and a precious, beautiful,fun-hearted daughter.
I truly have to make a "will choice" to not compare my life to my fertile friends (who I love) but compare to those who suffer with throat cancer or those with no hope or those who lost their child at birth....those circumstances bring me contentment. (these things have happened are happening to some of my friends/family)
As the song says..." I chose to say blessed be thy name."
My heart does hurt and I long for a second child more than anything. I want Jadyn to have a sibling. However, our "undivided" time together is priceless.
My thoughts that I battle are..."am I not a good mother?" Do you not know ,Lord, that I will raise children to honor and love you?" BUT intellectually I know that God 's thoughts are higher than my thoughts.
HE is showing me HIS character, grace and love. I would not have know this if I had not gone through all of this and during the pre-Jadyn time.
Casey so encourages me to look at the college girls lives that I disciple and it does encourage to me to see the labor in their lives........it does....but you moms know it's not the same. :)
As I prayed this morning...."Lord, I pray 30 years from now when I am 60 that my life will glorify you." Jadyn will be almost 33 years old....wow... oh, how I long for her to love God/people more than I do.

8 comments:

Donna said...

Jill- what a beautiful post. You are such an example. You have handled this fertility journey with grace and poise and the strongest faith! We are on a fertility journey now as well and it is so painful. But it is so nice to know that we have a Good Shepherd who loves us, his little lambs, and will always protect us and lead us with His rod and staff. I wouldn't want to go anywhere the good Shepherd wouldn't have me go. HE restores my soul.

Shelley said...

i hope you keep blogging. it is so sweet to read your thoughts and hear what you're learning.

holly said...

Jill, I just clicked on your blog from Donna's! I will add you to my prayer list (and you too Donna). Ellen and Stacy are struggling too, and I know you all long for God to bless you with babies. Continue to be faithful to him, and he WILL give you the desires of your heart.

Hillary Dunham said...

Hey Jill! So great to see you in the blogging world. Your post was just beautiful and your dedication and commitment to God, motherhood and His will are inspirational. I love you so much and pray for you all the time. I know that God is sovereign and sometimes that is all we can cling to.
Go see my blog when you can- if you haven't already- www.dunhamdiaries.blogspot.com.
Love you!

Amy said...

Jill I am so glad you have joined us here in blogsphere. I never thought I would blog but John finally talked me into it. It really is a great way to keep up with others and sometimes it is my only adult conversations :) Happy late birthday, I will be praying for God to give you another baby. Thanks for being so vulnerable. Put some pics of Jayden up - amy cook

Emily said...

jill! i had no idea you had your page up! i loved reading your post. you are such a sweet inspiration to us all. i love you!

Lindsey said...

hey jill, thanks for sharing this. i hope the Lord will bless you with another baby soon. glad to have found you on here.

Kristin said...

That is a beautiful post. I miss you, friend... I'm glad to know what is going on in your world so Jonny and I can pray. We will. Know that we will...

Um... I'm going to message you on myspace to get your email so I can invite you to read my blog. I didn't know you were doing this!