Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I took the time to type this out because it ministered to my soul so much. I wanted to share it because it challenged me so too. I hope it challenges you. She literally says what I feel.
The True Woman by Susan Hunt
Reflecting Redemption when dealing with INFERTILITY
“Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them……To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.
Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune tiems. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show they way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.
Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.
I know that as that with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not mean that I may not use medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.
God has rescued me from a such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.
My heart cries out, “why, O God, will you not answer this prayer?” Why will you not do this simple thing for me and for your own names sake? You do it for so many so easily. You give children to those who will never teach them about Your marvelous grace. Why not to me? With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone.
He does not, as so many do, tell me that ‘my time will come.’ He does not say that I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say “If you adopt a baby, you will get pregnant.’ He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.
He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No. Never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it so. But it is. Jesus loves—this I know.” --Debbie Trickett, Atlanta, GA
Posted by Jill Williamson at 12:30 PM
Monday, June 2, 2008
Posted by Jill Williamson at 7:26 PM
Well, I know that some of you may be wondering what's the latest with fertility. The answer is NO, not pregnant for the 5th cycle. I really don't know what to say but I am sad. I am confused. I am burdened. I am numb.
It truly passes through my thoughts daily and numerous time through the day that I am not pregnant.... along with so many other thoughts...but
God has given me GRACE. I read today where God told Solomon in I Kings that he had given him more than Solomon had asked for. I couldn't help but think of what God has given me that I haven't asked for.... He has been so good to me. Family, husband, life, health, home,training, mentors, heart to know Him, salvation...the list goes on.....
My heart longs so much for a another child to love, a sibling for Jadyn but I am not 90 years old ..maybe it will happen.
I am taking a physical, emotional, and financial break from it all.
Posted by Jill Williamson at 6:55 PM